The RIAA Has Given Up, All Music is Now Free

On July 28Th, 2003, when Mitch Brainwol was chosen to head the RIAA fight against illegal music downloading, he said he was "delighted" to take on the role, adding, "What could be more rewarding than helping to promote two great American traditions: music, and property rights?"

Now however, in an official RIAA statement, Brainwol said he would be calling off all RIAA activities and making all music everywhere free.

"This job is hard, man," a heartbroken and crying Brainwol said, "I had to do all of these public statements and figure out ways of screwing people off without making them angry, but then they just download music and I don't know what to do!"

During the past four years, Brainwol has been in and out of rehabilitation clinics for abusing drugs such as cocaine, marijuana, alcohol, prescription drugs, human souls, and dry erase markers. He blames all of his drug problems on stress caused by his job, his wife, and illegal music downloading.

The new contract, known as, "The Contract" will be signed via IRC between Brainwol and a man known only as B1ith3wi110w, The Pirate Commander. The terms of the contract include the RIAA signing away all rights and transferring all music to various hackers, so that they may be uploaded to torrent sites and file sharing networks around the world.

"I'm surprised," said a hacker known as FL1337B4Nk, "I thought music was already free. It's simply shocking to me that someone would pay for it, considering that it's just, like, sound and stuff."

B1ith3wi110w, The Pirate Commander refused to interview with The Daily Century, but said only that this was a great win for the worldwide free culture movement, and that he may release his identity in the near future due to such wins. He also transferred to us a Beatles anthology, the I Am Legend DVD release, and Windows XP Black Edition.

In a final talk with B1it3wi110w, The Pirate Commander, Brainwol stated, "I hope I can finally rest easy, knowing, that at least Napster won't suck any more."